Dayna Mullen, Registered Psychologist- PACT level 3
Applying PACT in my Family System: Creating a Family Bubble
The Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) was developed by Dr. Stan Tatkin and is an integration of attachment theory, arousal regulation, and developmental neuroscience. PACT is more than a model for Couple Therapy; it is a lens to view all relationships through, and a framework to create a culture of secure functioning relationships. PACT has profoundly enhanced all my relationships. For the purpose of this blog post, I will speak to the level of impact in my immediate family.
What is a Secure Functioning Relationship?
The foundation of PACT is the belief that we all can create a secure relationship. Dr. Stan Tatkin coined the term secure functioning relationship as “an interpersonal system based on principles of true mutuality, collaboration, justice, fairness, and sensitivity.” Couples that create this culture of being in each other's care and having each other's back experience a sense of mutual security and interconnectedness. PACT therapists help couples create a secure culture with what Dr. Stan Tatkin calls a Couple Bubble. The bubble is a couples mutually created ecosystem that fosters a sense of safety and security. Couples can create this bubble by establishing secure functioning principles and agreements that govern their relationship.
My husband and I have taken PACT principles of secure functioning relationships and consciously integrated them into our family. We simultaneously maintain our own “Couple Bubble” with agreements that govern our relationship and keep us in a state of safety and security while maintaining an “us first” motto. We understand the importance of having a strong couple bubble to secure us and to be role models for our children. It is essential that this is always considered and maintained. We mutually agree that we are the King and Queen, the master regulators, and the ones who teach our children how to create secure relationships.
Creating a Family Bubble: “We have each other’s back, always”
My husband, Dennis, and I decided early on that we wanted to create a “Family Bubble” with our children. We talked about our shared values and shared vision for raising our kids. We decided that our family bubble would be guided by a family motto that we could teach our children. A motto that would be the guiding principle for our family. Together we came up with, “In our family, we have each other’s back, always.” We both strongly believed that safety, security, unconditional love, and acceptance must be present and felt at all costs. As parents, we understand that we are the compass point and the safe place for our kids to land and return to when they feel upset, hurt, uncertain, lack direction, or did something wrong. We would be their comfort, their support, their biggest cheerleader, and their guides. We both wanted our kids to know that nothing would come before our relationship with them. To create this “Family Bubble,” we have created family agreements that integrate PACT principles for a secure functioning relationship, as well as arousal regulation and neurobiology. Our family agreements are as follows:
We take care of the person first, not the problem.
We view our relationships with our kids through an attachment lens. When one of our kids is upset, even in the face of conflict, we validate their feelings (name the emotion to tame the emotion), soothe them (hugs and showing empathy and compassion), and make them feel understood by us. We understand and teach our pre-teen and teen kids about their neurobiology. We help them understand that when they are upset, their amygdala is triggered in a fight or flight response, their prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) is partially disabled, and that we need to bring their emotional arousal down before trying to problem solve. As parents, we can help co-regulate our kids by creating a warm and responsive interaction that provides support through modeling so the child feels understood. We co-regulate our kids' emotional arousal by first off being in a calm emotional state ourselves, softening our facial expressions, being present and in our child's eyes, by using a soft tone in our voice, validating their feelings, soft touch and hugs, and reassuring that we are hearing and seeing their experience. By tending to the child first, they come to trust that we will always see into them and their experience. They can trust that we are always a safe place to land. Once our child’s nervous system is calmer, we can tackle the content conversation about what happened, and what needs to be acknowledged, problem-solved solved, and repaired.
We protect each other in public and in private
When our kids act in a disrespectful or inappropriate manner in public or at home, we pull them aside privately, see into them by validating first how they may be feeling, and then discuss issues we have. We never embarrass them, shame them, or “out them” in public. Whether this is our 5-year-old having a meltdown, or our 14-year-old having a “teenage attitude,” the same rule is applied. We take these moments as opportunities to reiterate our family motto, “We have your back, always.” In turn, we also teach that respect goes both ways, and we discuss and role-play how they could have expressed themselves differently.
We teach and role model how to self-regulate and self-soothe
We help our kids understand that our brains are primitive and wired for survival first. When we become triggered, there are several things we can do to bring down our arousal and override our primitive response. The following is a list of things we can do to help down-regulate our nervous system:
Deep belly breathing- slow your breath to slow down your heart rate (In for a count of 4, and out for a count of 8),
Listen to calming music,
Eye contact and touch with our small dog,
Visualization (close your eyes and go to a memory that is joyful and feel it in your body as though it’s happening now),
Mindfulness (tracking the 5 senses),
Chanting (OM) and Mantras (I love who I am. I love who I have become; I am strong, I am able, I am calm),
Lowering your body (sit on the floor crossed-legged or lay down on a bed starfish),
Self-talk “I choose to let this go,”
Validate the feeling internally (A part of me is sad, I have every right to feel sadness).
After we are calm, we come back together to work through and repair what’s needed.
We lead with relief
Our kids have seen us role model this in our couple bubble. When one of us is upset, we lead with soothing and taking care of the person first. It has now become a natural response in our family. An example would be; if I get upset with my 5-year-old for being disrespectful and my husband is not home, one of my other kids will come in and validate me and gently take my 5-year-old so I can calm down. Within a few minutes, I would apologize for reacting and repair with the kids. Our kids understand that we all do better when we put our relationships first. They further understand that this process of co-regulation is mutually beneficial.
We greet each other with good cheer
Regardless of our kids' ages, when we get home, we greet everyone with smiles and hugs, and when we leave, we say goodbye. We also are actively connecting when we are in passing in the house.
We create rituals that connect us
Simple things like eye contact when talking, always tucking in our kids to bed (regardless of their age), family dancing, and Sunday evening dinners.
We role model and teach secure communication
Through our role modeling (secure arguing and repairing in front of our kids), and coaching, our kids understand how to securely communicate. They further the art of attunement - which is our ability to be aware of and respond to our child’s needs and how to securely communicate. They understand:
We always use eye contact when talking to each other (eyes are the windows to the nervous system).
We notice each other's non-verbal communication and we respond in a loving way through facial expressions, body movement, gestures, touch, and voice (tone, volume).
We deal with one issue at a time. We stay in the moment and don't bring up the past.
We always validate feelings (name the emotion to tame the emotion).
We repair injuries and injustices quickly (within 20 minutes ideally).
Take accountability for your role in the hurt, and do not make excuses.
We close repairs with a statement that signifies that we are both feeling repaired. “Are we all good?”
We don’t let our children go to school, or to bed upset.
We make frequent and meaningful gestures of appreciation, admiration, and gratitude
We build each other up with compliments and appreciation daily and express gratitude to each other.
We understand each other's unique owner's manual
We understand that we all have a different owner's manual, and we help our kids understand each other's unique differences (for example: one child is very loud and a little anxious with new situations, one is a homebody, and one is always on the go). Once we learn those unique differences, we honor them (for example: one child doesn't like loud noises or being scared, even if it's playfully). We also learn the unique things each other likes and we pay attention to the details. We normalize with our kids that people are all annoying and that this is part of being a human in relationships. In our family, we understand and accept that we are all different and we make understanding each other a priority. We do not make judgments on personality (i.e., she is stubborn), as we understand that this creates judgment, shame, and disconnection.
We use loving names to call on each other
We understand that our name is our closest attachment and when called at a high volume, tone and pitch can activate an aroused response in the brain and body. Saying something like; “Hey sweet girl, hey sweet boy,” is registered differently in the brain than, “Hey (child’s name).” Yet, saying the name in a loving, calm expression, “Koen, I love you so much!” can create a soothing and connecting response.
We create win-win scenarios
In our family bubble, we keep our kids very engaged with family plans, activities, and their personal desires. When conflict arises, we help our kids understand win-win scenarios in relationships. This could look like planning a family date night and integrating a piece of everyone’s ideal win. We strive to create a culture that feels like each family member has a voice and a personal win in the outcome.
We role model that we come first (King and Queen)
My husband and I consciously maintain our couple bubble. Our children witness us intentionally taking good care of each other. They see us being affectionate, appreciative, and kind-hearted. They also witness us securely argue and repair. If one of us is dysregulated and upset, we know how to take care of the other. We are good handlers of the other. By role modeling this for our kids, we are teaching them secure relationships, co-regulation, problem solving and repair.
We focus on our family vision
As a couple first, my husband and I have a shared vision of what we are trying to create in our family bubble. We also have family meetings and conversations with our kids to actively engage them in this vision.
The PACT model has become my framework for viewing all relationships. We all do better in life when our relationships are secure and in the context of my family, it has created a blueprint and a foundation for which we base our governing principles. Our lives have been forever changed by this model, and our children are becoming emotionally intelligent and securely attached.
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